Well I enjoyed a nice night out on my own right after work. I went to my local watering hole planning to just read and smoke my e-cig and drink a glass of wine or two. It started out that way at least. One of my friends come out tonight that I hadn’t seen in awhile and we got to talking. I love having conversations with him. He is a quite bit older than me but I like that about him. I guess it was all my years of me being surrounded my adults and never being around children my own age made me love being around people 20 to 30 years older than me. I enjoy having conversations with him! Him and I have the most random talks. We can talk about books to philosophy in one conversation! I don’t know how to describe how it is to be around him. It is nice because I am only slightly attracted to him. I think I am more attracted to the fact that he and I have great talks and I can be myself.
I wonder sometimes if even though I am with someone I will always feel alone? I would love for one day that I won’t feel so alone with myself. I wonder if am destine to be alone even when I am with someone. I know I have went off topic for this post but you know I just go with what I am feeling when I start typing. It is so freeing to be able to write again. Even if this writing means I don’t know what I want in this life. I hate feeling this way and pushing people away. I just don’t know how to deal with the fact that it just doesn’t make sense! I have realized in this night out that I don’t know if I want this anymore. I feel like I am more annoyed with the situation than I am happy! I love him but I don’t know if I can deal with everything that goes with loving him. Maybe I just need to be alone. I don’t know. I guess I am more scared than anything to start all over again. I think if this doesn’t work I will not try again. I know I am very young to feel and talk that way but I am just so tired. My heart hurts so much right now. I can’t even describe it right now! I have felt this way before, I know I have with The Ex…I know how this will end if it is anything like before! It hurts me so to think this way! I am so glad I have this medium to express my true feelings. If I did not have this I feel I would go insane. I don’t know anymore. I feel so lost and alone. I really don’t want to involve anyone into this mess.
I am so sorry that you had to listen to this rant! I am sure that most of this is just the alcohol talking but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t truth in this. I think I am ready for bed. So I will leave you with this note, I want nothing more than to be happy in life even if that means I have to hurt a few people along the way…I am truly sorry for that I promise.