I wonder if life is justing to laugh at

I wake up every morning and just go through the motions

Living a life or some kind of quasi life

I feel that my life is just one big joke after another

Always laughing to hide the tears

Always smiling to hide my fears

I feel I have no soul and have no idea who I am

I have no direction anymore, I wonder if I ever really did in the first place

I don’t know what I am doing anymore

What is really sad is that most people think I am together, I am not

I am nowhere near together, I am the polar opposite of together

Making sense of things that have no sense is my life

I make myself believe that I am ok, I am not

I can convince myself to think anything true or false or somewhere in between

Not knowing is that kills me little by little wondering what if to everything

I have no concrete thoughts everything is grey

I am in this haze that I can’t break free of 

I always feel so lost

 when am I going to find myself or will I ever


Kariann Alcala, 2009


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